D. B. DEVILLIERS

Poetry

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where upon this shore will we wash up
kill my loneliness and I’ll kill yours
there we’ll be til we tire and finally retire
and wake and wake and wake and there
we’ll be upon the shore
shipwrecked stranded on a highly populous island
stare if you’d like
aspirants alpha and omega
sign your name in his book and we’ll
wake up on the shore with
things to say
I was born in love
it was everything else that did it.

Sorry No Eggs Today (Hope)

and you try so hard or you
don’t try at all and you’d
think you’d learn but you don’t
you find new means by which to
derive hope or you use the old
ones or there are none and you
try really hard or you don’t
try at all and you beat on towards
the zero one hundred and fifty one
thousand and six hundred every
single day and it’s so terribly
hard to escape the preoccupation but
you try so hard and it’s what
you think about when you
scream in your sleep but you
don’t know what it is and you
think you’d learn but
you don’t and it all feels
like it’s getting darker and
darker and you try so hard but
it doesn’t work so you try
a different way and it all you
think you’d learn but
godot doesn’t show
nothing is won
nothing is learned
no one is saved

there’s just not enough time
there’s just no time
if only we had more time

but it didn’t not happen yet
and the poem isn’t over
especially when it is.

what I’m trying to say here is that
I’m very very afraid to die
and despite this fact it’s just so hard
to make meaning out of life
but it’s so important
so staggeringly important
that you try.

Gratuitous And Ill-Advised Exposure Of Vulnerability, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My Mood Disorder

Well we can start off with an apology
I’m sorry about my manic depressive affections
you’ve found as others have before you that those
quirks you once enjoyed eventually irritate
and then enrage
and now you kind of know how I feel about them
a borderline love we had
a flash in the pan misfire oops
and it makes me angry and it makes me sad but
you’ve got to keep trying
otherwise well
and it can help sometimes to sit at a typewriter and
seek validation that way
and it can hurt sometimes too but hey habit’s habit
we do what we will do and what we’ve always done
now that’s a little fatalistic don’t you think
yeah well
and what else would I write about I wonder
but of course if I could I’d give all of these goddamned
words back if I could if I could
not understand them but you can’t do that there’s
no cure for it and I know that it makes me hard to
invest yourself in
or rather just very risky
not sure anyone’s ever gotten a return
depends on what qualifies as such
and the platen on this thing’s gotten many a beating as a result
poor thing all those little hammer blows they’ve gotta hurt
this piece of paper too must be having a bad time
oh well you are what you’re made for
dee bee devilliers the fatalist again
and what was he made for
different kinds of hammer blows I suppose
and then that’s the nice and terrible thing about time
you sure can get used to it
you sure can get used to it.

The Author vs. The Protagonist’s One True Wonderful Idealized Love

What a wonderful pretty thing you are
and oh it hurts it hurts
I’d like for you to do such terrible things to me
and I to you
such nice and terrible things
shame I’m so far away from this everything
scene in the movie cuts soundtrack to tinnitus white noise ring
protagonist gazes about him at people continuing
conversations he cannot hear
blurred perimeter
good looking people smile very white smiles
laugh surely very honest laughs if we could hear them over the
riiiiiiiiiinggggg
left right pan
where the fuck am I
who the fuck are these people
where are they
who the fuck am I
and you you electric master of all creation
though I carry all the weight and merit of the protagonist
and the author
I cannot speak to you
or will I ever
any longer
or ever
you’re too too
words fail.

Points Make Lines Make Words Make Lines Make Points

I do of course invariably hope for your
continued success and good feeling or
your failure and misery or some happy
intermingling of the above mentioned
as you see fit and wish for however you
like it I hope you have it that way
I hope these words find you as well or
as poorly as you would like them to
I hope you’ll be elected president and coronated and
sell yourself still for the light sting of a dirty
needle quickly melted away into the floating
and the forgetting with the loosening belt or rubber tubing and
the mule’s kick to the nose to come back up hello
mr president here stands the state of the union all
good feeling and destruction prompt and utter
nothing much to be done so let’s take a lovely little
promenade take the acrid ashen air this fine afternoon
thunder or gunfire who can tell pray do avoid the
craters it wouldn’t be very much up to your
estimable office having to inaugurate
the replacement of one killed out of clumsiness and pay no
mind that’s merely lightning not the flash of cannon but
do please take care as well not to find yourself struck in any case
unless that’s how you’d like it
then we might have an electric president
and I’ll learn to draw and make a comic book series during
the course which you’ll shoot electricity from your
pens at enemies of the state and when you hand them out to children after
noteworthy signings into law they’ll have to wear heavy
rubber gloves and take care not to drop them while bathing because
they don’t get to get superpowers they just die and you can
call a press conference and I’ll take the podium and concede that
this was all rather a poor idea because we’re not heroes
and there were too many things unanticipated
and this isn’t political
it’s just death
always death.

All Week Even

gonna sit here and try and
think of something clever to
write about but the
words don’t come for a change and so I
write about how the words won’t
come for a change and it’s just not very clever
since what do you say when you don’t think
since what do you think when you don’t feel
shame since if I could write something it’d
make me feel better
usually does
then again I’ve had two cups of coffee and though I am now
unemployed again and not especially happy I am no longer
hungover every goddamned waking moment and
though I don’t enjoy things very much at all
it turns out that I so very much would like to remain here
on this earth alive and all anyway
so I suppose that’s enough complaining for one afternoon
and there’s another halfway meta-poem by
remarkably unremarkable self-styled poet xx xxxxxxxxxx
thank you ladies yes I will be here all day.

Guest Writer: D.B. Devilliers “The Only Good Poet is a Dead One, and I am Not That”

Sudden Denouement Collective

1960s-fashion
yes hello it’s a pleasure I’d say except
look where we are
and how the fuck did I get here
guess that speaks to the reason why I
am here
you too huh
same old story why tell it
differs largely just in names dates other such
uninteresting particulars it’s
an impact and oh yeah oh fuck yeah it’s
happening here we go it’s another
ethanol-fueled escapade a jet ride to
oblivion hard landing read: a crash
see you don’t get to survive when you
strike at five hundred and thirty five
miles per hour so bail bail bail
before the hard stop before the zero
what’s the co-pay on a parachute
a question I didn’t ask when I saw the
ground racing up at me
oh shit I went and did it again
no more job no more girl just this
bottle and me
fickle companions we are
and…

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If I Liked Me Better I Bet I Wouldn’t Write So Much

I want to be loved so bad
and I am
let it be enough
and I want to be liked so bad
and I am
let it be enough
I just don’t know why anyone would
let me be enough
let me really believe it
I don’t know why anyone would
and maybe I can be something more than confused
and maybe then my father won’t have to take some sunny day to
bury me
maybe we’re all gonna go to college and we’re
all gonna be doctors and lawyers and we’re
all gonna die real slow and by the time we
get to the heaven we dreamed about as kids we’re
all too busted up and broken to recognize it
and anyway I guess it isn’t really there so that’s a
silly line of reasoning
if you get to live long enough do you get to reimagine it
I hope I hope I really really hope I
really really hope so
thanks god that’s all I’ve got.

 

Personal note: things are much improving.

 

This Did Not Happen

if you get to know why and it’s because
a man had a couple too many if it’s because
he didn’t call a taxi or a friend and
his girlfriend just left him and the transfer
case took your face yeah it was a bad one
it was a bad one
what do people do after that
how does anyone
how does anyone

Some Things Are Important To Me And You’re One Of Them

is there any saving me
I hope so
long countdown to finding out what we are
what we always knew
which is fucked.