D. B. DEVILLIERS

Poetry

Tag: death

I Was Wearing Your Tee Shirt When I Wrote This (rest easy brother)

Once upon a time there was a promise
once there was a sort of expectation
the sort you remember when you’re
drinking at 4:47am
that you’d go to
college and fall in
love and maybe you
kind of did
both
kind of
a friend of mine died a few months ago
I didn’t know
he sat for the bar exam blasted up
and passed
and it took a couple decades but
he passed too
where was his promise
I wonder what put light in his heart at 25
I wonder if he got it
I wonder who shot him up
that last time
with the parkinsonian tremors I
doubt he did it himself
wonder how they feel
I imagine worse than I do
and I hope hope hope worse than
you.

The Time Is Now One Quarter To Six In The Morning, Winding Down On The Old Decade Aren’t We

when you die how much of me will die
when I die how much of you will die
how did it get to this
how did we get here
the poet uses repetition to stress a point
breathe
just look at the trees
everything is going to be ok
won’t even hear it no one ever does
not in any meaningful way
breathe
look at the trees
it will take no time at all and right now will be a
terribly long time ago
everything is going to be ok
breathe
look at the trees
look at the sky
everything is going to be ok.

And There Shall Be No More Death

I think I’ll probably live in that moment forever
if only I could live there forever
if only it could have been one of the
good ones or at least the not awful ones if
only I could live forever there where the stunned
disbelieving still held power there’s
a knock on the door nine
forty seven pm there’s been
the worst thing anyone’s ever said
there’s been wash your hands with
warm water don’t use heroin vaccinate drive the
speed limit don’t hold the kickback
brake to the forward handle on the saw there’s
change your oil don’t run yellows don’t
drive drunk we’ll come get you
make your bed
take your vitamins
make friends
play sports
study
try
try and you’ll make it
but there’s worst thing anyone’s ever heard the
worst thing anyone’s ever said
there’s been an accident
and if I could live forever
if I could live forever
sometimes you follow the rules and sometimes there’s just
nothing to be done
killed instantly they said but don’t you
think they always say that
and but what did you do except unwittingly
intercept the deviant trajectory of an unconscious man who
should have been piloting his seven thousand pound
vehicle and sometimes you just don’t get to know why
you just don’t get to know why
do we even really exist
and if we don’t then can we really no longer exist
somewhere else in time or space does that
awful closed casket find love find peace make peace
you just can’t know.

Sorry No Eggs Today (Hope)

and you try so hard or you
don’t try at all and you’d
think you’d learn but you don’t
you find new means by which to
derive hope or you use the old
ones or there are none and you
try really hard or you don’t
try at all and you beat on towards
the zero one hundred and fifty one
thousand and six hundred every
single day and it’s so terribly
hard to escape the preoccupation but
you try so hard and it’s what
you think about when you
scream in your sleep but you
don’t know what it is and you
think you’d learn but
you don’t and it all feels
like it’s getting darker and
darker and you try so hard but
it doesn’t work so you try
a different way and it all you
think you’d learn but
godot doesn’t show
nothing is won
nothing is learned
no one is saved

there’s just not enough time
there’s just no time
if only we had more time

but it didn’t not happen yet
and the poem isn’t over
especially when it is.

what I’m trying to say here is that
I’m very very afraid to die
and despite this fact it’s just so hard
to make meaning out of life
but it’s so important
so staggeringly important
that you try.

Points Make Lines Make Words Make Lines Make Points

I do of course invariably hope for your
continued success and good feeling or
your failure and misery or some happy
intermingling of the above mentioned
as you see fit and wish for however you
like it I hope you have it that way
I hope these words find you as well or
as poorly as you would like them to
I hope you’ll be elected president and coronated and
sell yourself still for the light sting of a dirty
needle quickly melted away into the floating
and the forgetting with the loosening belt or rubber tubing and
the mule’s kick to the nose to come back up hello
mr president here stands the state of the union all
good feeling and destruction prompt and utter
nothing much to be done so let’s take a lovely little
promenade take the acrid ashen air this fine afternoon
thunder or gunfire who can tell pray do avoid the
craters it wouldn’t be very much up to your
estimable office having to inaugurate
the replacement of one killed out of clumsiness and pay no
mind that’s merely lightning not the flash of cannon but
do please take care as well not to find yourself struck in any case
unless that’s how you’d like it
then we might have an electric president
and I’ll learn to draw and make a comic book series during
the course which you’ll shoot electricity from your
pens at enemies of the state and when you hand them out to children after
noteworthy signings into law they’ll have to wear heavy
rubber gloves and take care not to drop them while bathing because
they don’t get to get superpowers they just die and you can
call a press conference and I’ll take the podium and concede that
this was all rather a poor idea because we’re not heroes
and there were too many things unanticipated
and this isn’t political
it’s just death
always death.

If I Liked Me Better I Bet I Wouldn’t Write So Much

I want to be loved so bad
and I am
let it be enough
and I want to be liked so bad
and I am
let it be enough
I just don’t know why anyone would
let me be enough
let me really believe it
I don’t know why anyone would
and maybe I can be something more than confused
and maybe then my father won’t have to take some sunny day to
bury me
maybe we’re all gonna go to college and we’re
all gonna be doctors and lawyers and we’re
all gonna die real slow and by the time we
get to the heaven we dreamed about as kids we’re
all too busted up and broken to recognize it
and anyway I guess it isn’t really there so that’s a
silly line of reasoning
if you get to live long enough do you get to reimagine it
I hope I hope I really really hope I
really really hope so
thanks god that’s all I’ve got.

 

Personal note: things are much improving.

 

How To Go To Work/The Security Standards In Heaven Are Pretty Lax

you get drunk pass out you suffer from
menial problems you become
enraged at the broken dryer and
now you don’t have clothes to wear to work
you wear them anyway gotta have a job
your hands and feet tingle from a lack of
circulation this is a new development you
wonder from which poor decision this has most
probably stemmed
you drive in anyway
your shaky fingers stumble to punch in but you do and
you know from which poor decision exactly this
problem has stemmed
condition upgraded to functional
or downgraded as the case may be
you stand there and you have nothing to say
and hello good morning how are you
you say hello and good morning anyway and I am uh
good thanks how about you
it’s one of those days isn’t it
why yes it is except no one says it and you never say it can’t
show weakness now and even though you don’t know why and
even though you always are
and this was gonna be a happy poem but I guess
life isn’t that
but hell I ain’t dead yet
and when I am I’m gonna
stand up tall
take a good pull
draw down on Saint Peter
right there outside of paradise and
kick the fucking door in.

Transit/Stasis

Right time wrong place write it why not
it’s only ink paper and time you’re the
only one who has to know if that’s how you want it
but no that’s not in your nature you crave the
attention much as you hate that
you need it as much as you hate the
very notion of a need for attention in
anyone but write it write it out parse it learn something
about yourself this is how you do it you
introverted exhibitionist you’re a
curious piece of work aren’t you
curious enough you hope but enough for what
for money? recognition? to escape death?
to understand? to understand what
to finally understand what the fuck it is you want?
or rather to finally just hurry up and want anything more than
one more drink to want anything
more than mere escape
because you can’t do that no one can and your efforts
will kill you and that’s not escape
because time time time it passes it
runs out that’s what it does it’s
cirrhosis a bad wreck a short rope the end of time
but wasn’t faulkner a drunk too yeah but wasn’t he also a
miserable son of a bitch and if all you had to do to
create great work was suffer and be miserable
would you do it if you could make that choice
but it doesn’t work that way the work comes second and
you suffer anyway and most of us aren’t lucky enough
good enough whatever to create much of anything
so now you’ve got something written down to
remember it by but it’s transient transitory transit
transition into another sentence what’s the word thought phrase page
word thought thought word salad this long forgetting o fallibility
of memory of all things but maybe if you really write it you’ll
know yourself a little better afterwards but out of ink paper and time you’re
running out of one and you need all three to do the thing
or four if you count actually having something to
say but who has that dostoyevsky? kant? probably they did but
who knows after all what the fuck did socrates know about himself anyway
did alexander know himself well enough to know that the
typhus would kill him does god know he’s a kid holding a
magnifying glass to an anthill on a sunny day do you figure
pol pot knew himself or bin laden or the
buildings or the planes or the murdered
millions and all the time ravels
out and you into it and
it into you and the
page too.

Advice, Unsolicited

Whether it gets better or not I won’t speak to yet
but I know for a damned fact it doesn’t get easier
but you do get better at dealing with it
you get a little more used to it
and of course it never really goes away
if they’d told me that at seventeen I guess I’d likely be dead
so if you’re seventeen maybe don’t read this but
I’ve learned a few things since then
even if sometimes I can’t even remember them myself
and one thing I’ve learned is that even if you live
for a hundred years
you’re alive a very short time
and you’re dead a very long time
so better make what you can of being alive
you’ve got to try
every once in a while even
just a little bit even
you’ve got to try
you’ve got to.

I’m of the opinion that those who give advice are usually
telling others to do what they themselves
didn’t do

that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Youth

It’s amazing how these things could happen so often
that preprinted cards exist expressly for descriptive purposes
issued casually
and it’s proof that there is no god
or if there is a god at least then it’s proof that
he and the devil are one in the same
that caskets can be built
so small.