alcoholism | D. B. DEVILLIERS

December 3, 2017

Predictable Outcomes/It Didn’t It Couldn’t She Couldn’t Who Could No One

This will never work
of course
this is true because I already believe
it to be true but even
if I didn’t it
wouldn’t work

because I can’t change
or at least I’ve not yet
been able to change and
I have little
faith that I ever
will

I am not a happy man
I am not good at making other people
happy
how could I?
how could I even know how?
if I am anything it’s
sad
deeply deeply sad
for reasons beyond me
or maybe not, maybe I know why
but if I do
it doesn’t matter anyway so
please
fuck
save me if you can
but I know you can’t
and I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

It doesn’t matter please don’t think it matters it wasn’t it wasn’t you it wasn’t your fault

September 15, 2015

Addiction

Late-stage, hopeless, dehumanizing
addiction
is the ugliest thing
I’ve seen
or can conceive.
Bright-eyed, awestruck, newfound
addiction
however
is the
saddest.

To meet eyes,
know,
to understand
to grieve for what they’ve yet to see
and can’t conceive
since at the start, it’s merely harmless,
innocent
bliss.
Then that moment peaks and passes—
Christ, does it go fast—
and by the time they see
what’s happening,
it’s long past way
too fucking
late.

To meet those eyes
might well kill me.

It’s an awful thing.

July 15, 2015

A New Day

I lost my job again
stopped showing,
didn’t call again
but that’s okay.
I slept til four PM
each day
for the last week again
but that’s okay.
I got piss-drunk again
can’t remember, but heard I
insulted all my friends
again
but that’s okay.

Today’s a new day.

Lots of places seeking help
and I didn’t like my job anyway
and those nights awake
were worth the wait—
I’d thoughts I may not think again
and my friends all know the way I am
and in spite of that, they’ll stay.

So life’s okay on this overcast day
and I’ll keep living on, some way.