D. B. DEVILLIERS

Poetry

Tag: relationships

You Have Reached The Voicemail Box Of

Believe me or don’t, cared about
you a lot
still do
didn’t love you, still don’t
I wouldn’t take it personally
I’m not sure that sort of thing is much in my emotional repertoire
but fuck me I tried
as well as I could at the time, which I fully admit wasn’t enough
because I really did think the world of you but
in that clause it’s less the operative word and more the tense that matters

was that pretentious? of course it was
go ahead and give bloom a
call and he’ll probably agree
no doubt you’ve been acquainted, being
so important after all, you are

did he die yet? I don’t remember but given how important you are even
if the man is dead I’m sure st peter will
transfer your call right through and the
critic’s service will take the message
oh hey yeah hey harry boy we got xxxxx xxxx on the line
the critic promptly drops his ethereal stardust/poppyseed bagel and it falls to earth and wow a shooting star
can’t miss this call, too important;
says caller:
yeah this poet I dated once is pretentious

dead Harold says
you dated a fucking poet?

dial tone

On the Instructive Properties of Regret w/r/t Becoming Less of a Douchebag

Very often you don’t get to apologize for
the things you regret the most
often times you never get to make
the apologies you’d most like to make
but at least take solace in knowing
it wouldn’t do any good anyway
these apologies only make the person making them feel better
very often the best you can do is to
try as hard as you can not to make
the same mistake again
try as hard as you can next time around to
not do so much harm
and if you can’t do that then you’ve got to make sure that
there is no next time
because what’s done is done and some things
there’s no fixing
not even close
but maybe the one way to bring some good out of it
and keep in mind this can take a very long time
is to reflect
and regret
and thereby try really goddamn hard to make sure that next time around
you aren’t such an irredeemable son of a bitch.

Apologies Without Apologies

How many times how many
ways can I say
I can’t do it
how much more emphatically should I have insisted
and I never meant to hurt you
I really didn’t
but I guess that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it
does it.

Predictable Outcomes/It Didn’t It Couldn’t She Couldn’t Who Could No One

This will never work
of course
this is true because I already believe
it to be true but even
if I didn’t it
wouldn’t work

because I can’t change
or at least I’ve not yet
been able to change and
I have little
faith that I ever
will

I am not a happy man
I am not good at making other people
happy
how could I?
how could I even know how?
if I am anything it’s
sad
deeply deeply sad
for reasons beyond me
or maybe not, maybe I know why
but if I do
it doesn’t matter anyway so
please
fuck
save me if you can
but I know you can’t
and I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.


It doesn’t matter please don’t think it matters it wasn’t it wasn’t you it wasn’t your fault

Strength

Of course
you can give your heart to
someone else, but it’s a heavy
thing—
if you cannot bear it yourself,
how could you justify forcing it upon another?
How could you force a person
to carry your cross
in addition to his own?
It’s better, I think
to instead grow
stronger.

Learn to love yourself.

Kingdom of Ruin

I was a city surrounded
by colossal walls of
stone and masonry,
impervious to attack,
built when battles past
left me crumbling
but then,
you appeared on the horizon
and approached my gates
and I couldn’t turn you away.

I didn’t understand
the mistake I’d made
until I was burnt down,
when my city had already been
razed to the ground,
and you passed by the gates
never to return
again.

What remains of me
wanders these ashes,
the flames long faded,
the ruin gone cold
and I long for you.
The walls still stand
blackened but intact
defending my domain
from an enemy who’ll never again
attack.

As days become years,
I’ve come to realize
a hard, bitter truth
that I hide with false pride:
if you appeared at my gates
ever again
I’d raise them for you
and welcome you inside
to my kingdom of ruin
my dominion of dust.

I wrote this one maybe a year ago about a particularly nasty breakup. Those emotions have by now mostly faded into oblivion, of course, but I still enjoy the poem quite a lot.